Romney/Ryan The Hottest Party In Town

Observing the Republican National Convention is like going to a strip club.
The whole evening all you're told are lies, your wallet/bank account is completely emptied, and by the end of it, you definitely need to take a shower, or perhaps roll around in some tall grass, anything to remove the stench.

Ah, but these tiddy dancers in Tampa are hellbent on world domination!
Didn't you know?
Haven't you learned to speak Republican, yet?

Pete Kotz at seattleweekly lends us his "English to Republican" dictionary.

American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to: taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales...

Barack Hussein Obama: Muslim foreigner illegally elected president to pursue the socialist agenda of Karl Marx, regarded as the least funny brother of the famed comedic troupe.

Christian: GOP delegate who's devoted his life to Jesus, handguns and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL! 

Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University business faculty prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone. 

Free Market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection or child labor laws. 

Global Warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming the Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold. 

Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.

Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax.

 Liberal Elite: Immoral foe nearly crushed to extinction by the superiority of the conservative agenda. Membership believed to consist of three elderly men recently expelled from the Newport Yacht club for publicly expressing fond memories of Roosevelt.

 Mormons: Creepy sex cult perverts from Utah who have arranged marriages with 13-year-old girls named Edna. Still better than negroes, but scarier than Jews.

Obamacare: Theory that all Americans deserve health coverage, when they could just as easily rub some dirt on it. 

Second Amendment: The God-given right to carry an assault rifle to Sunday brunch at Applebee's just in case there's a kid wearing a hoodie. 

Tea Party: People who hate socialism and government entitlements but live off Social Security and Medicare because stuff like that doesn't really count. 

Values Voters: People willing to be economically sodomized as long as we keep bagging on the homos and the wetbacks.