DNC Convention Humor

It's not too snarky.

Andy Borowitz

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@BorowitzReport

POLL: Race Close Among Voters Without Working Televisions.

Last, the convention that the Republicans saw when they did have their TVs on and tuned to Fox.

With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”

The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.

“My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” Obama bellowed from the stage, as thousands in attendance moaned in compliance and gyrated their hips and groins in a lascivious dance. “Together, as a barbarian people forged by the wicked flames of irreligiosity and united by visions of a liberal dystopia, we will rise up as one to scorch the earth with boundless amorality.”

 “The streets shall run red with the blood of forced sodomy, performed daily upon every American man, woman, and child!” the commander-in-chief shouted, froth forming around his mouth as the crowd threw hundreds of aborted fetuses onto the stage. “Die, Christians, die!”

More here. Remember, conservatives: we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you.

Weekly Wrangle

The Texas Progressive Alliance has its eyes on Charlotte as it brings you this week's roundup.

There were two major court rulings last week, with the state of Texas losing and the voters of Texas winning as both the redistricting maps and the voter ID law were found to be illegal. Off the Kuff followed the action
  
BossKitty at TruthHugger is sick of all the emails and robocalls wanting money for this or that political cause. Quit violating my personal space to beg for money when Super PACs are doing that job: You Have My Vote, But Not My Money!

With the Texas GOP's dual losses on redistricting and voter suppression this week, it's still key for Democrats to keep the pressure on. Because, as WCNews at Eye on Williamson points out, they still have big and destructive plans for the future: Public education being left for dead in Texas.

The Austin Police Department not only infiltrated Occupy Austin, but one undercover cop designed and supplied the devices used in the Houston port protest that resulted in felony charges against several protestors. PDiddie at Brains and Eggs wants to know if Mayor Annise Parker still supports this kind of police misconduct.  

CouldBeTrue of South Texas Chisme wants you to know that Quico Canseco is a whiner -- your typical Republican crybaby.

Labor Day Funnies and Facts

The first Labor Day holiday was celebrated on Tuesday, September 5th, 1882, in New York City, in accordance with the plans of the Central Labor Union. The Central Labor Union held its second Labor Day holiday a year later, on September 5th, 1883.

On September 5th, 1882, some 10,000 workers assembled in New York City to participate in America’s first Labor Day parade. After marching from City Hall, past reviewing stands in Union Square, and then uptown to 42nd Street, the workers and their families gathered in Wendel’s Elm Park for a picnic, concert, and speeches.

Labor Day parade, Main Street, Buffalo, NY, ca. 1900.

This first Labor Day celebration was eagerly organized and executed by New York’s Central Labor Union, an umbrella group made up of representatives from many local unions. Debate continues to this day as to who originated the idea of a workers’ holiday, but it definitely emerged from the ranks of organized labor at a time when they wanted to demonstrate the strength of their burgeoning movement and inspire improvements in their working conditions.

In 1884 the first Monday in September was selected as the holiday, as originally proposed, and the Central Labor Union urged similar organizations in other cities to follow the example of New York and celebrate a “workingmen’s holiday” on that date. The idea spread with the growth of labor organizations, and in 1885 Labor Day was celebrated in many industrial centers of the country.

Here are some quick tips on how to celebrate labor the union way:

• Fire up your Weber grill, made by the International Union of Allied Novelty and Production Workers.

• Grill some all-beef Butterball patties. If you are in the mood for hot dogs and brats, Oscar Meyer, Nathan’s and Johnsonville have what you are looking for.

• Add some Heinz Ketchup, Gulden’s Mustard and Vlasic pickles.

• Throw it all on a Wonder Bread bun.

• Funyuns, Fritos and Doritos are good side options.

• Wash it all down with a cold Budweiser or any other union-made brew. And there’s Minute Maid juices for the younger set.

Update: The Agonist has some good reading about Eugene V. Debs, who ran for president in 1920 from his prison cell.

When Republican Warren Harding was elected, he commuted Debs' sentence and invited him to the White House. The day after leaving the Atlanta Penitentiary, Harding greeted Debs at the White House with these words: "Well, I've heard so damned much about you, Mr. Debs, that I am now glad to meet you personally." It was a different time.